beautiful monster

I feel torn

And sewn back together

But the pieces

They weren’t put back right

They left holes

They left gaps

And in the hollowed proof of my existence

My soul was no longer mine

Pain

They tell me

To let it go

Move on

Do you expect to see me walking around

With my chest carved out

Abdomen disfigured

Cause you know just as well…

My pain

It’s a part of me

Like the ocean carving out a cliff, a boulder

My pain chiseled me

Into what stands before you

Although it does, barely

Stand before you, it does

With every ounce of strength my pain gave me

Through the years

I’ve borne it

Because pain

Unlike the human soul, is self serving

The soul

It’s a treacherous being

It cheats you and then it berates you

For all its mistakes

You pay the price

As you begin to lose it

You feel human a little less and a little less

But that is the only thing that reminds you of your humanness

But before you become consumed by so called enlightened thoughts

Take inventory

And savor every moment of the silence that it brings you

Before you label it as numbness

Consider this

The journey of losing your soul

Might just be the most blessed thing your cursed existence ever embarked on

Now you want to be human again

I have to admit

The naiveness of that treacherous being

Is somewhat cute

I suppose you never fully lost it after all

Despite my efforts

You held onto it

Dreams you called them

How naive I whisper again

And again

Only for you to reject me

Over and over again

When will you learn to embrace me

I ask myself, really

Because I am pain

I give you as much as you think I take

And before she could clasp her hands tight to stop the typing

She knew

There was no point in hiding from it

For it was the truth

The pain

She realized

Was more a part of her than she’d let herself believe

For I was her

And she was it

And it became you

As all the pronouns got lost in the mess that was our mind