Day 12: Not a Place at the Table, But a Place in the World

As a kid, my Mother made sure I knew we were all equal - men, women; girls, boys. She made sure I wasn’t presumptuous or insecure about my strengths, that I wouldn’t doubt them simply because I was born a girl. My aunt always said, “There’s something to be learned from everyone. No matter how young or old, each person knows at least one thing that you don’t. So keep your mind open.” My grandparents are the same, which is why their kids grew up to be independent, quite intensely so.

I’m not saying they’re perfect, just that they tried - quite possibly more than most - and well, succeeded. I never had to pay any attention to any of it or learn anything about the differences, not because they didn’t exist but because I was kind of immune to them. As a kid, you’re learning about the world and you believe what you know to be true. You know only what you know, that’s always the case.

And I suppose that’s why it was a huge culture shock for me after going out of school and seeing people of all kinds. Because even school for me wasn’t a place of as much division as I saw outside.( - As all schools should be, but unfortunately, that’s not how things are. I was quite lucky in this regard.)

Here’s just one observation for instance: Guys, - I don’t know about other genders, my experience has mostly just been with guys - when they talk to you - a girl - they’ll say the darndest things. They’ll be your friend, or so you both think and so the does the world, let’s say. And yet they say shit like, “What happened to your voice? Take a cock in your mouth. It’ll fix your throat.”

Or they say, “I need to get laid”. You tell them why don’t they ask a particular person out. To which their answer goes something like, “Nah, she’s used.”

What I didn’t realize for the longest time was this: The second you go from a random stranger they happened to meet in class to a random stranger they met, but is also now dating their friend or another scenario - a random stranger they met but is also their friend’s sister or cousin or anything that ties you to them, you never hear a peep out of them. Ever again.

Until that moment, they have every kind of opinion. Your opinions are in their dominion to be judged and criticized. They’re not scared to say anything. But soon after you’re someone who’s tied to someone they have in their lives, everything goes hush. It’s like you’re a completely new person.

Why is it that you do not realize that, that girl is her own person? The respect she deserves or gets isn’t to be tied to whose daughter or whose sister or whose girlfriend or wife she is, but to her & her alone.

Your attitude toward her may change based on those external ties, but she as a person never has. She’s grown to be a person, the same as you and everyone you’ve known, loved and cherished.

To all of you who have a particular set of expectations of a woman who you’ve met through ties and different ones for a woman you’ve met through no ties, I’m not here to change anyone’s mind. I mean none of this probably would’ve even occurred to me had they kept talking to me the same as before, I’d have figured that’s just how they are, who they are. I’m not here to shame anyone.

I’m here to acknowledge that most of this comes into and becomes part of our own attitudes through culture, even some traditions and most of all through our experiences and especially those experiences we have during our foundational years.

It’s not up to the world to teach us only the right things. It’s up to us to be able to differentiate between right and wrong and to be able to accept that which You deem right.

P.S: We don’t witness every face of a person. All I can say is, do not dismiss what you do see, due to your own positive bias. The benefit of the doubt is not fitting or benefiting everywhere.

And we’re done with Day 12 already. Damn.