rebuilding pod | Ground Zero

// Finding Ground Zero wasn’t something I was looking for really. It’s just a place I got to over time, and not something I aimed for. I mean, honestly, who aims to go toward 0, right? But yeah, in my pursuit of like, ‘infinity’, I came upon Ground Zero. //

After years of trial and error and perseverance, I came to a point where I could see glimpses of something more. Something beyond the pain and darkness. I was in sight of a beautiful feeling that was just within my reach. After having lost the ability to simply even imagine for so long, I was regaining the ability to fantasize about a future. My quiet desperation was jumping up and down in its seat. And I could finally see some level ground in the distance.

Over the course of a few months, I felt something shift. It happened once, then it happened again. By the time it was about to come around for a third time, I realized it was gonna be a big one. This last shift was when I reached my Ground Zero. And with that was born the idea of rebuilding.

So I decided, “I want to document my journey, from this Ground Zero. Whether it goes up or down, this is where I start to finally move forward. This is where I would begin to build everything from scratch.” Ground Zero was where it all started. It’s the reason I began this series.

I did start The Rebuilding Series first on YouTube. But the other day it occurred to me, that had this been 2 years ago when I was looking for resources to help me, I probably would’ve preferred a podcast that was succinct and to the point rather than a series of self-indulgent YouTube videos. So here we are!

And another thing I’ve known through my own experiences is that I did want to know that I wasn’t alone, but what I desperately craved was a way out of it all. Finding level ground and stepping out of the pit and moving forward with my life. I wanted to know HOW I could stop feeling so stuck.

Looking back, I think we’re always doing something or the other that culminates into what finally helps us move forward. It’s not something that’s easy for us to identify at first, but in time, it grows bigger and bigger and everything we did until that point, seems to kind of make sense. All that, as long as we persevere. All of it prepares you to move forward.

For me, I think everything’s starting to make sense now but I’ve felt lost for so long and so stuck for so long, that I didn’t see the point of anything I was trying to do. Back in December I just started writing, I created a website I’d wanted to since at least 2018 and just started somewhere. The first few weeks, I was amazed at myself. I would write a bunch of things and then just go like “Wow! How do I even know these words?!” It was like I’d completely lost touch with who I was. But now that I was slowly rediscovering bits and pieces of myself, I was amazed to see who I was.

From being unable to even carry out the simplest tasks, I was finally beginning to see glimpses of who I really was and this time around I didn’t have that bias AGAINST myself.

Writing and learning to express myself better again, surrounding myself with wonderful people - which I think is a pivotal step, saying yes to new kinds of experiences and doing other things I love - like travelling and working on projects I wanted to - these were important things to me and I think they helped me feel quite safe in my skin.

This was the period in which I felt two shifts happen. And then the third, the big one followed, a few weeks later. I started to sleep a bit better, joined a gym and started to take care of myself a bit better.

People always say, take care of yourself, and you think you are taking care of yourself. But then you realize what it actually means! That’s when it blows your mind.

When all of this happened, I definitely started to do better, but there were still a lot of things I hadn’t addressed. For instance, I hadn’t yet even begun to prioritise myself first! All that came a few weeks later. With two, even bigger shifts.

But so far, the ability to sleep better had been the greatest boon and I think it always will be. Because with sleep comes energy and therefore the ability to be functional and hence get things done. Which was my biggest concern for very long.

As much as I was doing better and able to function, I also wanted to be careful not to try and do too much too soon. To not do everything all at once. I made that mistake once before I was ready. I did feel like I could take on some more sometimes, but I wanted to do better and be consistent with the things I already had on my plate, to begin with.

And there were, of course, things that I still needed to fix and there still are. There have been huge differences in my abilities. From my muscles to my brain. It’s still very new to me, and something I’m still getting used to. To not push myself so much at the gym, to not feel so let down when I’m unable to work as well as I thought I could. To not blame myself for these things I call my failures.

Before we finish up this episode, I wanna leave you with this: None of this “growth” happens all at once nor is the progress linear. And simply because we get to ground zero, it doesn’t mean we’ll stay there or only move forward. We can fall at any time, and we always need to be ready to get back up. Always. No matter how much time we may take, and no matter how many times. If we need to stay down a bit longer, that’s okay too, as long as we get back up. Sometimes you get to ground zero, and you hold and it holds on to you. So you may move further, but then back, any of it, all of it, it’s ok. As long as you get back up.

We don’t need to push or force any of it. Simply, persevere.

If you’ve got any questions, please leave them in the comments below.