rebuilding pod | redefining

// This whole “podcast”, isn’t something I’ve written and rewritten and edited a bunch of times. It’s just something that I went with. Like I said in the audio right there, I’m just doing whatever I can, however I can. I’m letting go of perfectionism, I’m letting go of compulsions and just willingly relinquishing a lot of that “control” stuff. I recorded things kind of in a one-go fashion, on my phone. Edited on Audacity, and one of them’s even from DaVinci Resolve. I liked it. And I just wrote a bunch of things that came to mind for these description boxes. Uploaded and published. Even the content itself - I tried to keep it simple - until I started talking of course.

But I really did do it all in the hopes of it helping somebody. And it’s been a great experience for me as well. Not just the learning to use Audacity part or the learning to make a podcast part, but writing the whole thing, narrating it and this whole process - it’s been helpful to me in helping me let go. And closing a chapter. //

Redefining, re-identifying or rediscovering ourselves - however you wanna put it. I haven’t passed this stage yet, but it is where I’m currently at. And I’m allowing myself to do whatever I can and whatever I feel like doing at the moment. But I’m not sure yet. About what’s happening or what to head toward.

All I know is this: There are a bunch of things I wanna build and fix. Out of scratch. - Can I? Probably. Will it be possible on the timeline I desire? Probably not.

All that can be done now are the things truly under my control. Doing things that make me happy. Keeping busy, seeing a way out and discovering myself. Growing into a better person and finding the things that make me, Me.

I saw this thing recently, about how so many people when they go through something at a later age, they try to go back and find that pure sense of joy they had as a kid and rekindle their inner child. What stuck with me was Maisie Williams’s question, “What if that child-like thing never got a chance? Is it possible to create, then or to find something else?”

I think my answer to that would be, you go search and find what you can. Those split seconds, the tiny bits and cracks. Which is easier said than done.

But you also find ways to experience joy in such ways. The pure ways. And never let go of hope maybe. And even when you lose that hope, somehow find your way back to it.

Find new things and create. ‘Cause the journey’s supposed to be way better than the destination right?

But then again idk shit. It’s just what I think. And it’s just what I imagine. We never really know, is all. 🙃

Maybe even to this day, we’re still all those things. The things that make us, us - deep in us, at our core - maybe those things can never leave us even if they never got a chance to be embraced or even identified. Like the skeleton of our souls.

Even when we lose everything, even ourselves, maybe there’s like a guiding stone deep within that we can always turn toward.

So many things happen during the course of our lives. Things we could never have even imagined, ever. As things change, do we? They definitely have a profound impact on us. Here are my 2 cents: Just in the past 2-3 weeks, there’s been so much change, so many unexpected events. I’m already going from resilient to tenacious, from empathetic to compassionate. From having rigid principles even when I knew that nothing is ever black and white to understanding that THAT should apply to me too.

And so I feel there’s the need to redefine. Redefine myself. Redefine who I am and what I’m about. What my principles are, what I’m capable of, what my abilities are: strengths, weaknesses - all of it.

To take control of it and redefine everything ourselves, rather than letting these external chaotic events that are nothing more than a result of entropy, become the defining moments of our lives, rather than letting them define everything for us. Redefining while keeping our core steady and grounded.

And so I find this need to re-identify everything and therefore myself. Learn more about this new, evolved version of me. And then be able to set better goals that are more aligned with who I am today, rather than who I thought I’d be.

For now, I’m just doing whatever I can, as and when I can. Trying to not stress. It’s not easy, you try it (lol). 🙂

What I’ve always wanted and re-realised now is that when I’m much older I wanna be able to recall my life and think, I’ve done everything. So I’m just gonna do that. Do everything I can. And try not to stress about it. 🙂

And of late, I have had this feeling like it’s finally behind me and this is where my story/journey actually begins. I’ve gotten a lot more clarity. In handling stress and a lot more, there’s more of a calm now. Like all the heavy clouds have flitted away.

It’s a weird place to be in. It’s difficult till Ground Zero, most definitely. But once you reach it, it’s two things. On the one hand, you’re finally kinda free. On the other, a new journey begins. You’re no longer stuck but you feel like you’re FAR behind in life. It’s an open-ended position. You need to build a life for yourself.

The past will always be there. It’ll be a part of your story, it’ll be a part of you and who you may one day become. But you can’t let it become your life’s defining moment. You can’t let it define you.