rebuilding pod | traumas be bad yo

// This first episode is a recount of my own experiences after enduring trauma. If there’s anyone out there who can relate to any of this, I hope you know that you’re not alone.

Trauma results in literal physiological changes in the brain. These changes have profound impacts on us and our day-to-day lives. So, rather than being ashamed or uncomfortable in our efforts to hide these things and living in denial, let us choose to look at trauma through a medical or scientific lens and understand enough to accept mental trauma with the same ease as we do physical trauma, like breaking a bone for example.

And similarly, understand that it’ll heal. //

Helloo! I hope you’ve listened to the intro first. And if you have let’s just dive right into it! So in this first episode I’m gonna give you some background as to how I embarked on a journey that led me to creating this podcast named rebuilding.

There’s a LOT of stuff, so I’m just gonna talk about the most relevant parts. A couple years ago, I experienced something traumatic that affected me in very many ways. It basically shook me to my very core and altered not just my life but the way my mind itself functioned.

I wish to not talk about the event itself at this moment because I want the podcast and myself to focus on moving forward and not just regaining my full self but growing into the person I always hoped to become.

Let’s do this chronologically.

For the first year after the trauma I completely disintegrated. I lost sleep. I remember, the most I slept was like 8 hours PER week, in the beginning. And that’s not 8 hours per day of the week, just 8 for the whole week. That number did not change a LOT in a year but, it did go up and down, like everything else. I ate what I could, and continued to isolate myself further. There was no sense of hygiene or anything for that matter. I lost the ability to hold a conversation. I lost the ability to remember ANYTHING at all. I would just keep spacing out. I tried everything I could think of, everything I saw on the internet, just to be able to sleep.

Eventually my body gave in and I started to be able to stay asleep for upto 2-3 hours at a time almost. I was perpetually exhausted. Too tired to think or move. I kept trying to pull myself back together. Kept trying to get myself to FUNCTION. To do anything. Brush, bathe, eat. Wash a plate.

I tried to be with people, tried to make new connections.

But the problem was, my brain which I once considered my greatest asset, didn’t work the way it used to anymore. It took a lot just to do the very basic stuff. Finally, I got to a place where I thought I was doing better. I was sleeping. It didn’t matter when or how much, all that mattered to me was I was sleeping. I was able to be a bit more social. Talk to people, have fun. Even if it was exhausting and difficult, I managed to do that much at least.

I started working on things I loved. Like an EMG arm, a Quantitaive Systems Biology Course, I got a chance to work on music. I got a job where I thought I could grow. It seemed like everything was finally coming together. I was working on personal projects, things seemed to be moving along. But I felt no better. Not just mentally, anymore. But physically.

I got more and more tired. I’d have to pause while chewing my food to breathe and get some energy back to continue chewing. I couldn’t even stand in the kitchen to cook for myself. I couldn’t hold my own head up. So WTF was happening?

Well, I’ve had hypothyroidism - a very common disease - for almost 10 years now. I used to get it checked every year. And the levels were steady. The first time I got diagnosed, the report said >150. And that’s because 150 was the highest that the device measured. My symptoms back then were dry, lackluster skin & hair, and a tiny bit of fatigue. Not exhaustion, just got tired a bit more easily than I normally did. I remember being asked, “Do you feel tired?” and I just said “No.” And then remembered something else and answered, “wait. Yeah, I think I might not have as much energy as I usually do. Because the other day when I went to sit with them in the playground my friends were surprised and they were like YOU got tired?” And my mind went like “what I shouldn’t get tired?” Cause I didn’t understand back then, that that’s how much energy I used to have.

So naturally, I figured it can’t be my thyroid and refused to get checked until it had been a year since my last check-up. But the fatigue I was feeling got worse and I had no choice but to get tested. The number this time was 9. For those who don’t know, it’s supposed to be somewhere between 1 - 4, depending on the scale it kinda varies.

I could not believe I was that tired and the only thing wrong was this tiny number, which was basically nothing compared to the first time. In short, I ended up spending almost 2 months lying in bed. I caught 2 fevers within weeks of each other despite having not gone out. I was so tired and out of it, I’m sorry that I don’t even remember who called or texted or what we talked about. But thank you.

I was so tired I couldn’t even like focus my eyes on the words to read a book or watch something even. So since I could barely move and couldn’t even read or focus on anything, I was forced to face some demons.

The thing is, I’ve always tried to face the pain so that it wouldn’t rule me or my life. So that I don’t turn into somebody I don’t wanna be. But I think with this I just, none of it was enough. Despite everything, me being sick during that time was probably one of the best things that could’ve happened to me.

And as soon as I was able to move around again I decided to celebrate by going out and exploring the city on foot! And that’s what I did! It’d been so long and I’d lost so much muscle that I ended up with sore legs XD. And I did that for 2 weeks.

And in those 2 weeks I caught COVID. 5 days of a high fever later I was back to being exhausted. But this time around, something else wonderful happened. I slept. I slept for 9 hours one day. Even when I got up, I could go back to sleep. I slept for 13 hours another day. I slept. My body and mind, they were too tired. Burned. But that month, I was too tired to do anything for more than 30 minutes at a time. So if I went to make myself food, it had to be done within 30 minutes. At most. It started at like 10, but slowly it was 30.

And then there was the ear infection because of the hypothyroidism. Too much wax build-up in the ears you see. Weird shit happens when you have this thing.

Anyway, after all of this, I tried to get my shit together again. Starting with checking in on myself. My body and mind, listening to the cues. I started to make a new plan. And started working on it.

But I think I slowly realised, finally, that I have not been going easy on myself. I have not been fair to myself. It was a realisation that should’ve come to me much earlier. But it took a while. I thought that the last couple years I WAS going easy on myself and taking care of what I needed. But that bout of sickness. That was the culmination of the stress that not just the trauma had put on me but the pressure I’d forced upon myself. That was my body finally snapping out of survival mode.

For the longest time, it did not make sense to me. How is this tiny difference in my TSH having SUCH a huge impact? I mean I was fine. For so long. The doctor couldn’t tell me why this was happening now. Because she didn’t know. She asked me if I was stressed and I said no. She told me to take a break, and I was like yeah I am. I just didn’t realise what the real stressors were.

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This was the first time ever, this year that I didn’t set a checklist for myself. No deadlines or timelines, just letting myself be. That lasted for like a month. I couldn’t resist myself and ended up creating a new to-do list. But I do think I’m going a bit easier on myself. I hope I am. I’m trying though.

It’s just a bit difficult to kind of relinquish control in matters like this you know? Not that I believe I have much control when it comes to the future or just life itself. But you know. I remember back in 2019, we had this aptitude thing in college and I hated everything in college. And I remember, the scores were all out and all I cared about was, did I fail. ‘Cause that’s how I wrote or studied for the exams. If I’d written enough for the passing grade I’d just walk-out of the exam room. And that was it. For those who don’t know, the grading system here is like: S A B C D E and F I think. I was not very much with the people back then either but this one guy in my class who I’d consider my friend, he comes up to me and he’s like you got the S in aptitude right? I’m like how do you know it was me, cause there’s only the registration numbers not the names there. So he’s like, you’re the only S in the class, and I saw all the other grade in that line and they were really bad, so then I knew for sure that it was you. So I went and checked the scores and was like I got a B too! But yeah, it turned out only 4 people in the whole college got the S in aptitude. This was 2019. And now, my brain’s just like, mush. It’s difficult to even comprehend the simplest things. To do anything really.

I hope, if there’s people watching this, who can relate to this, I hope you see that you’re not alone. And I hope that you come with me on this journey. And see that things are always changing. And there’s room for growth and changing for the better is always a choice. And nothing is as it seems and there’s always hope.

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So coming back to the Rebuilding part of things, as you can see there’s a whole BUNCH of things to fix. First and foremost would be my sleep. I think I have been sleeping a bit better lately, but that’s not nearly good enough. Next would be my brain function. Which has recovered immensely, but still a long way to go. Then there’s the physical health. We need to keep in check and increase strength and stamina. Right now my arms are just floppy. Need to put some muscle back in them. I’ve been taking care of my skin for the past few months, and my teeth too. And my anxieties have been in remission, if not - they are going into remission. Hopefully, just, we’ll be able to heal it all.

And lastly, I wanna finish everything I starteed. All of it.

So, yeah. These are the things I wanna rebuild. Fix. Out of scratch.